


voltron abridged

by 1izardwizard



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Frustration, Gen, Irony, Salty author, This Is STUPID, general episode, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 20:06:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17290541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1izardwizard/pseuds/1izardwizard
Summary: A critical and satirical summary of the typical Voltron episode. Be warned: this is pure salt





	voltron abridged

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to vent after watching season 8 ;3 
> 
> Big thanks to [Dau_hu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dau_hu/pseuds/Dau_hu) for being an awesome beta! <3

The paladins were sleeping when the alarm blared. 

“Paladins, to your stations!” Coran yelled through the speakers, somehow always awake whenever something bad happened. As the lions flew out of the castle, they saw a monstrous mechanical machine flying towards them. “What is it?” Pidge shouted. 

“I have no idea,” Keith responded, “I’ve never seen that particular shade of purple before.” 

“Paladins, let’s work together to defeat it!” Shiro’s voice reached them through their helmets. 

“I’m hungry,” Hunk said. 

The lions fought the robot for a while. Each time they felt like they were gaining an upper hand in the fight, the monster managed to develop a new weapon from its various parts that seem to counter the paladins’ efforts. 

“This isn’t working,” Keith said. “Form Voltron!” The paladins formed Voltron in the same way that they always did. The enemy robot, ever so polite, waited for them to finish before making another move against them. They fought some more, but even with Voltron’s combined strength the robot was still stronger than them. 

“By my calculations, the robot is scintillating its lasers in order to obfuscate our non sequitur equinamities at a rate of 8,538,574,738 jiffies,” Pidge informed the paladins. “What?” Lance asked, confused. He was the dumb one. Obviously.

Pidge sighed. “I am certainly misunderstood; but whether the fault is mine, in not sufficiently explaining myself, or speaking with that exact limitation and precision which one of so little mental facility would expect on a point of such importance, and which, moreover, is so likely to be contested by me — or whether the fault may not be altogether on your side, in not understanding my language always so critically.” 

Lance laughed, to show his intelligence and humor. “Ohh, okay. I understand now”. He did not understand. The battle raged on and Voltron, lauded as the most powerful thing in the universe, seemed to turn out to be the second most powerful thing in the universe after all. The paladins were exhausted and the scales seemed to be tipped in the favor of the robot. They didn’t know what to do. Suddenly, with no prompting or rationale to explain this occurrence except that of which to dig the authors out of the hole they had flung themselves into, Allura’s bayard started glowing. 

“Guys, I think my lion is trying to tell me something,” She smashed her bayard into the space that opened up on her lion’s dashboard. Suddenly, Voltron gained this amazing new weapon that made all of its problems go away. With it, the robot was vanquished quite easily.  
“Go Allura!” everybody cheered. Without her, Voltron would have lost and the whole universe would have been overtaken by the Galra. 

Somewhere across the galaxy, Haggar screamed in rage as her connection to the robot was suddenly severed. She retreated to her room, where she spent the next couple phoebs crouched in a chair and rubbing her hands together in vengeance, repeatedly muttering “Voltron..” under her breath. The paladins cheered. Allura had saved the universe once again. She was special, you see. They flew back to the castle. 

“I’m hungry,” Hunk said.

**Author's Note:**

> I still love Voltron! <3


End file.
